Why I’m Excited By Opportunity, Yet Terrified By Decisions

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I am the happiest I have ever been, the most confused I’ve ever been, and the saddest I have ever been. I’m completely free to choose my own path, without having to keep anyone else’s needs at the forefront of my mind. For a girl who loves opportunities, this is beautiful. For a girl who hates decisions, this is terrible.

I’ve realized recently that I am a dot-connector, a PR girl, a compulsive online shopper and a generally overwhelming human. I confuse people because I don’t quite fit into their boxes, and I confuse myself for the same reasons. I’m a branding strategist who doesn’t know what her brand is yet.

What I’m realizing, though, is that I’m a connector above all else. I connect ideas, people, themes, dots. My roommate told me yesterday that she gives me the dots of her mind and I give her constellations. I’m tearing up writing this, just as I’ve teared up every time I’ve thought of those words since she said them last night. I am struck by the beauty and simplicity of those words just as I am struck by their truth in governing my life.

Recently, I’ve been connecting some dots of my own, both in terms of my future and in terms of my personal life. I’ve struggled with a couple of different forms of disordered thinking and disordered habits around food, and it gets harder for me in times of stress. In many ways, now is one of the most stressful times of my life – I’m creating a career for myself, I recently ended things with a partner I cared for very deeply, and I’m terrified and exhilarated by my future at the same time.

What I’m realizing, though, is that I’m at a point in my life where I’d rather have the half-remembered nights and the blurry snapshots than the ab definition. I’d rather feel comfortable going out dancing with friends, having one drink too many and eating an entire gluten free pizza on a Thursday night. I’d rather think my nose looks funny in a picture than be too afraid to take the picture in the first place. I’d rather gaze on the constellations than get lost staring at the dots.

So give me your dots, world. Give me your dots, and I will give you the constellations that form the fabric of my world.

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